I feel like I might die from embarrassment
And I am not alone
Our environment has evolved, but our instincts haven’t.
We are no longer hunting and gathering our food. We aren’t nomadic. We might move, but it's for a job, for family, for fun. It's no longer for the changing season, to follow the herd, to seek protection.
Before, we depended on the tribe to survive. We needed the group for protection and for resources. If we did something unpopular, we could be pushed from the group. We would be left to fend for ourselves. We would die. Staying in the in-group literally was life or death.
The in-group still matters to our instincts, but it shouldn’t matter to us.
In the developed world, we have plenty of food. We have killed all of our predators or put them in zoos. We have heating in the winter and air conditioning in the summer. Our lives are, for the most part, comfortable.
Yet, still, we view being accepted by the in-group as a matter of life or death. We treat embarrassment like the plague. Think I’m exaggerating?
Think of what you say when you are embarrassed? “I was dying of embarrassment”. Or just straight to it “Oh my gosh, I am so embarrassed, kill me now.”
And what is embarrassment after all? It is when we do something unpopular in front of our “in-group”. Do the same thing in private and instead, you feel relief that no one witnessed it.
In feeling this way, you are not alone. A 1968 experiment by two American social psychologists, Bibb Latane and John M. Darley, proves just that.
In the experiment, the participants would go into a room to fill out a questionnaire. Then, the room would start to fill with smoke. The researchers would observe if the subjects would leave the room to report the smoke.
The results? When alone, 75% of participants reported the smoke.
But when the participant was paired with two “actors” who pretended nothing was wrong, only 10% reported the serious problem. Only 10%!
As more and more smoke poured in, 9 out of 10 participants continued to work on their questionnaire. They were videoed being visibly uncomfortable, rubbing their eyes, and waving smoke out of their faces.
This study was conducted in response to the murder of Kitty Genovese in 1964 to explore the bystander effect. The bystander effect is a phenomenon in which individuals are less likely to offer help to a victim when others are present.
What is very interesting in this study is that the victim is you. You, as the participant, are the one who could die if there really was a fire in the other room. On the other hand, if you overreact, especially after seeing others not being bothered, you risk embarrassment.
The participants would rather risk death by fire than embarrassment by overreaction.
So what should you do with this information?
In the moment, remind yourself that your instincts are designed for a prehistoric reality. Your fear comes from a place of protection. The voice in your head is trying to protect you from the perceived outcome. Rewire your thoughts. See your fear for what it is. In these cases, it is no longer protecting you, it is holding you back from trying new things, putting yourself out there and taking risks.
And remember, you are not alone. Others also fear embarrassment more than death. No need to feel embarrassed about being embarrassed. :-)
